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Should we sever email ties with our toddler daughter's birthmother/her parents? It's a unique, yet cliche situ?
We were chosen by our birthmother but she and her mother seem to feel that this obligates us to a lifetime of being beholden to them in a number of ways…beyond being grateful and the best parents we can be.
Our birthmother, M, chose us through an adoption agency and we had 3 months to get to know each other pre-birth. She and her boyfriend were 19 year-old college students and opted for adoption because they weren’t ready. (At least, that’s what they told us.) We met our daughter’s birthfather and he was fine with it – ready to move on with his life. It was a semi-open agreement (get to know each other then after the birth a structured letter/picture updates through the agency/email afterward. Though not formalized, we also created an email account for M to email us if she wanted.) The 3 months spent before our daughter was born was so wonderful – I felt like we really got to know her and we loved her, but then in the hospital things got strange. We found out she lied about us/to us and was manipulating us against her parents and the agency all along. She did this for attention, we think, and though she really did love us in her way I think her id seems to rule her behavior. It broke our hearts when we found out she had been playing us off people. The birthmother advocate at the adoption agency says she believes M has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) which is very sad, but also makes me worry about her ability to move on and maintain boundaries. My own grandmother has BPD and I know how hurtful and unpredictable she can be.
Over the past 16 months we have become increasingly fearful of M’s stability and what this means for her wellbeing as well as that of our family. She is stalking us in some ways – which I can even understand (though not condone), but her mother has also sent several letters browbeating us and asking for gifts for her daughter. We’ve caught M driving by our house (she found out our address pre-birth and we let it slide), she has tried to friend us in Facebook several times, she has mailed gifts and even left one on our porch for our daughter. She went back to the hospital 9 months later and tried to get a copy of her baby’s/our daughter’s birth record. Her emails usually request pictures and are newsy updates which is OK, but increasingly they alternate with very angry and rage-sad notes saying her "heart is burning." She never says she wants the baby back or anything like that. She just vents about how she’s feeling. Most recently, she met with the agency and told them she is considering suing them and us (us for breach of oral contract – we promised to be there for her and she feels we have not. This holds no water legally, but it’s scary all the same. She is also lying about how much we "wined and dined" her. She says 37 times in 3 months and my calendar count is 10 visits, to include 3 agency-structured planning meetings over dinner and a visit to the hospital when she was in preterm labor.) In all, she is grasping at straws to stay in our life, I think. She is fixated on us in what I believe is a very unhealthy way.
In all this, I especially mourn what I had hoped would be a beautiful story of love for our daughter. We went from being in what we thought was very close relationship with M to now being fearful of her, so I feel it’s best for us to make a clean break from M and her family and salvage what we can before there’s even more bad feelings. If not for our daughter I would try to help M because I do care about her. But our daughter must come first. We have decided to cut ties with M at least until our daughter old enough to understand that she was not stable. (I have no doubt M will seek her out when she’s 18.) This is all so cliche and Lifetime movie-ish (yet actually VERY unusual within adoption.) The last thing I want to do is perpetuate the dramatic myths around adoption, so it’s difficult to talk about it with people who know us.
Sad, confused, and a little scared (and really grateful to be a Mom.)
I understand that this is a highly charged issue, and apologize for saying "my birthmother." I was shorthanding for my daughter but I can understand your point.
This adoption was initially to be closed after birth at the birthparents’ request – I want to make that clear.
Our daughter will always know she’s adopted, and we want this to be a point of identity for her. My hope was that one day she could meet M and that it would be a good thing. As such, the "beautiful story" is one I wanted to tell about how much M loves her. Adoption comes of loss for everyone involved – but there is also gain – freedom, parenthood and a stable home in this case.
When at all possible, I don’t believe any child should be exposed to unstable or potentially harmful people regardless of who they are. This isn’t about sadness or neediness (which is absolutely understandable), it’s about keeping a person from from seeking uninvited contact who may pose a danger to our daughter’s security right now.
Some of you seem determined to damn us no matter what, but for those looking for information to help write a constructive answer here you go. I’m not necessarily looking for agreement or I wouldn’t have asked, but I thank you in advance for thoughtful consideration rather than abusive rants.
I’ve left out the details, but yes there’s reason to fear beyond email/facebook stuff.
BPD was something the counselor mentioned to help us better understand, but it was not a clinical diagnosis. Obviously, I would not be party to that.
(Wishing it upon my daughter because you have a problem with me is not cool, by the way.)
And, though we’ve tried to be flexible, YES we have tried to be very clear in letting her know when we felt she had not respected our boundaries (obtaining our name and address, coming by our house, etc.)
You do have to put the safety of your child first. No matter what people might think this isn’t the average "come round for coffee and have a girly talk" kinda relationship. It has different dynamics and very personal complexities that few people can truly understand besides yourselves. Saying you all become close in 3 months on an emotional rollercoster is unrealistic thinking. You all had an objective and a bond formed because of the baby, not because you all wanted to be buddies in the first place. To much too soon.
Be clear on your facts with anything legal, it seems like you have tried to do everything the right way.
Is there a way you could draw up an open adoption plan that asks for personal privacy of your home. (including her space too.) Organise visits in a park and set some clear boundaries between you that should have been there from the beginning. No relationship survives well without people knowing what to expect from it.
If this doesn’t work you might need to cool it for a while, send letter and photo’s through the agency so she has some idea of how your daughters going.
But its not up to you to help her if she has this disorder your talking about, its up to her own family to do that and herself. (That’s a boundary.) Its not to say you can’t feel for her, just don’t try and "fix" her, its not your place to become emotionally involved to that level and can do more damage than good.
I agree that she’s obviously been through a lot, but it doesn’t excuse dangerous behaviour either. (Because a person is depressed and had been through hell recently does that mean it was okay for him/her to walk into their work place and shoot people…nope.) See what I mean…
Things like gifts…be polite, say thank you… put them away for your daughter in the future.
Some of this your going to have ride it through.
If she feels threatened then organise a meeting with her and a neutral 3rd party to witness the meeting and what was said and agreed upon. That will make it less of threat to her if she fears you closing her off completely. Be diffusing this fear, you might just reduce the stress this is putting on all of you. Then take it from there.
Thats all I can come up with that might help you.
All the best!
Serenity71 | Nov 14, 2009
You are TOO good. You have to severe all ties with her. I would not allow such a person around me or my family. I understand you have been kind and were grateful she gave you a child to love and raise. But you are doing her a big kindness as well, and you have to put your foot down somewhere and end this garbage. She obviously has some mental health or personality disorder issues, such as you mentioned possible BPD. Please do not be working from your emotions and heart felt feelings over this one. Use logic and strength. Sounds like you’ve been manipulated or "pulled in", to her antics in more ways than one. You are doing nothing wrong by ending this "relationship". If I were you, I’d move. IF she knows where you live its not good. You want your little child to have a stable life, and the anxiety alone is going to hamper your efforts to create a positive healthy secure environment, no? Should you be worried when she goes out to play that Birthmother won’t approach her? Do you want your child growing up confused? Of course not. You have given so much and she obviously is thriving off of the love and attention and friendship but its no longer healthy but abusive. Forget it. You owe her nothing. goodbye. thats it. Move on.
Hanna | Nov 14, 2009
Congrats on your adoption & knowing this child is now with stable parents. Go to the agency, sever ties with the birth mother, except providing a picture, and update letter on her well being once a year, at Christmas (through the agency). You may have to get a restraining order.
Becky | Nov 14, 2009
I would sever ties with this girl until your daughter is old enough to make her own decision. I think very limited contact between you and M should take place. If any contact it should be through the agency and I would defintely get it in writing.
marycollette@rocketmail.com | Nov 14, 2009
She is clearly a threat to you, your daughter and herself. You need to report her behavior to the police, to protect yourself and her.
If you feel sorry for her, the best way you could help her is by getting her the mental help she very obviously needs.
Oh, and I would DEFINITELY sever all possible ties with this person. ASAP
Alexander | Nov 14, 2009
my hubby and myself have been on a waitin list to adopt for over 3 years and this is one of our biggest fear s but i believe you are doing whats best for you and your family
mel | Nov 14, 2009
OOOH, waaaaaah. You are the typical adoptive parent involved in an open adoption, because you are going to close it. Is it really best for you to "make a clean break"?? Maybe for you, but not for that baby, or her FIRST mother.
"Not stable"??? She just had a baby. (something YOU obviously have no idea about) Having a baby and NOT giving it to some predatory pap in a coercive pre-birth matching scheme will give a mother post partum depression. Add this dreadful scenario into the mix, and it is a recipe for disaster.
An agency person told you she had BPD?? Bullsh!t. They work for YOU. They got their money. They care NOTHING about this child or the child’s first Mother. How naive are you????
Your "beautiful story of love" for your daughter is a joke. Pre-birth matching is disgusting.
"She is fixated on us in what I believe is a very unhealthy way." Umm, yeah. YOU HAVE HER BABY. That’s pretty unhealthy right there.
If you truly want to do what is best for your daughter, keep in contact with her first Mother. You have NO OBLIGATION to the child’s grandmother. Just as that baby is hurting because she is not with her first Mother. You need to realize she IS hurting- just as you are hurting you did not give birth to that baby. Cutting off contact will be something you will regret when your child grows up. I dont think there is an adoptee I know who would not be furious if their ap’s cut off contact with their first parents.
Honor your commitment. SHE GAVE YOU HER BABY. Im sure she ONLY did so because you said it would be open. Shame on you.
eta for Pirate girl; come back and talk to us in a few years. Let us know how your child is doing. Oh, never mind….You wont be able to, because you, and your child, will be 2 more victims of the lie known as "Open Adoption". I dont come here for ME- I come here for the kids who have no voice- like YOURS. You should be grateful. How’s that for a spin on that little word. Yes, you should be grateful that there are adoptees who are brave enough to speak the truth. I stand up for many adoptive parents, including my own. This isnt about the parents. Its about the child…you’ll see, grasshopper.
LinnyG | Nov 14, 2009
LinnyG took the words right out of my Heart and Mouth.
dontknow86 | Nov 14, 2009
No, you should NOT sever ties! I’m not seeing anything in your question that indiates that you or your daughter is in danger. In fact, I think that you and your daughter’s mother need to have a sit down and re-negotiate your open adoption agreement to include more contact.
Jennifer L | Nov 14, 2009
I really don’t have the energy for this right now, but I’ll give you some cliffsnotes.
"Friending" you on Facebook hardly qualifies as stalking.
She is sad because she just lost her child. Cool your jets. There is nothing that I’m reading here that is really sending alarm bells for your "safety".
And she is not YOUR "birthmother". Surely, even you can see how offensive that sounds.
She is your child’s family. Sorry, when you become an adoptive parent, that’s what you sign up for. You are not the only one.
Beautiful story of love? Adoption is predicated on loss. It is one thing to try to make the best of a bad situation, but to create a bad situation and call it a "beautiful story of love" is pretty insulting.
And to the answerer who has been "waiting 3 years"? Pfft. My heart bleeds for you.
You should NOT close the adoption.
Sigh.
ETA: While I appreciate your willingness to stick around, I think you might only be seeing what you want to see.
It sounds like you have bought into the white-washed agency version of an ethical adoption. I don’t consider private adoption to be ethical, period, but agencies sell minimal openness and a child being told that they are adopted as the markers of an ethical and healthy adoption. These are the BARE MINIMUM. Anything below these standards, as far as I’m concerned, should be considered criminal.
Please stick around and keep reading. But I will tell you this: In a perfect world, your child will never HAVE to search for her mother in adulthood. There should be an established relationship. From DAY ONE. When you adopted this child, you adopted her family also. I’m sorry if you don’t like to hear this, but you are NOT the only mother. And for better or worse, it is your responsibility to do everything in your power to foster that relationship. Because it is what is best, at the end of the day, for HER.
AnnaBelle | Nov 14, 2009
*applauds everything LinnyG said*
Oh, and deleting LinnyG’s answer doesn’t mean she’s wrong, it just means you can’t stand hearing the truth.
7rin | Nov 14, 2009
First off some random SW at an agency is NOT qualified to make a diagnosis. She may or may not have BPD but it is highly irresponsible for the "counselor" to be making such statements.
She is grieving, trying to wrap her head around her choice and, no doubt, feeling like sh*t about herself. Have some compassion for crying out loud. It has been 16 months, give her some time to get used to the reality of the situation. Would you expect a mother who’s child died to be fully healed after less than a year and a half????
Have you told her you feel it is inappropriate for her to be dropping gifts on your doorstep? Have you explained your side and feelings? Or are you just expecting that she is going to read your mind? Have you followed through on what you said you would do? This is one of the problems with pre-birth matching. In her eyes she had a relationship with you that ended when she handed over the goods, no more face to face meetings, no more phone chats etc. No doubt she is feeling abandoned herself and I suspect that you failed to clearly define where the relationship between you and her would go after birth. Unless she is threatening harm or violence she is most likely just angry and trying to get your attention in an attempt to reconcile what she sees as a relationship that has suddenly ended. Be clear about your intentions and clear about what your expectations are THEN FOLLOW THROUGH. If she is unable to understand or continues the behaviour simply tell her you will be cutting back communication to give her a chance to work through her own emotions. Help her get a NEUTRAL therapist who has experience with adoption related issues, this means someone OUTSIDE the agency who is able to be impartial. It may take years for her to heal fully but in the meantime you should continue contact, tell her you want her to stop dropping things off at your door and that you are not comfortable with her being your "friend" on facebook but continue to update her and send pictures via the email address. How foolish of you to think that stopping that will cease her actions, if anything they will likely intensify if you renege on your part of the agreement.
There is nothing unhealthy about her desire to be involved with you. You DID wine and dine her in order to complete the adoption, there is simply no way to deny that. Ten "dates" in three months is a relationship that you then broke off suddenly. Grow a heart.
Abandoned Abandoner | Nov 14, 2009
From what you wrote, I’m struggling to grasp why you’re scared or think she’s dangerous. Mailing gifts, leaving one on the porch, adding you on facebook – none of that is sinister, as you imply. I would call that pretty normal behaviour.
The only bad things you’ve said she’s done, are lie about you – which is horrible – and send upset/angry emails. She’s had a traumatic experience and its understandable if shes finding it hard to cope. You didn’t say her emails were threatening.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a very serious thing. IF she has that, then she might be a danger to you. The sperm donor who led to my birth had BPD, and he was very dangerous, and I certainly have never at any point in my life wanted contact with him. When I lived with my bio mother I thought she was the worst mother in the world for not protecting me from, I thought any decent mother would want to get me as far away from him as possible. You’re not supposed to remember anything before the age of 3 but I do very clearly, perhaps because it was traumatic.
However there was nothing in your post that suggested BPD. It’s possible she has it, but people with no experience of it often misdiagnose it – this agency advocate might not know what shes talking about.
Maybe there’s more to it than this, that you haven’t written???
Melissa Swan | Nov 14, 2009
her id ruled her behavior.??
Well, I think you are making excuses. Your child isn’t even old enough to worry who is stable and who is not.
M’s is not stable right now because she lost her baby. Anyone would be.
You promised to be there for her. and now you want to cut ties. That is so unfair.
Friend her on Facebook, it is no skin off your nose. Write her weekly, and invite her over to visit once a month. Send her a few things, unasked. Like a card, or a photo book for her purse.
Your daughter will thank you many times if you make your house and heart open and welcoming to her biological mom.
Rosie | Nov 14, 2009
Adoption is based on loss. Your daughter’s other mother is grieving the loss of her child, show her some compassion. Your daughter will thank you when she grows up and knows that you truly put her needs above your own selfish desires to have her to yourself.
And, you might want to try reading a few books. Your idea that a ‘beautiful story of love for our daughter" sounds nice in theory, but the experience of being adopted is not all sunshine and roses…it is based on loss.
some books to try:
The Primal Wound
Journey of the Adopted Self
Coming Home to Selft
etc.
Your daughter will also grieve the losses, and if you aren’t prepared for this then you do your daughter a terrible disservice.
JennaBear | Nov 14, 2009
She’s not your birthmother. The fact that you refer to her in that manner is very telling. Maybe if you stopped thinking of her as a baby machine that gave you what you wanted, you might develop the ability to maintain a healthy relationship with her.
SJM | Nov 14, 2009
Thank you Linny G!! Brilliant answer.
If your daughter really "must come first" then make a decision honestly based on what is right for -her, not based on a completely understandable scenario that just doesn’t happen to fit into your fantasy of a "beautiful story of love"
Cambria | Nov 14, 2009
Have you thought about just meeting her at Starbucks or something and sitting down and really talking with her? It sounds as if she may just need someone to listen to her. Maybe you can help her sort out some of those feelings. She may need some true counseling or possibly even psychiatric help – it would be completely normal for a young woman in her situation – even if she feels like it was the right decision for her and the baby, of course it hurts.
If she wants you to be the sounding board forever and always, that isn’t healthy for anyone, because let’s face it, everyone in an adoption scenario has a different perspective that will bias them to some extent. But perhaps you can help her find a neutral party to listen.
I’m sure she has torn feelings no matter what, and it sounds as if her mom may not be helping her resolve them. She may be exacerbating some of it, and M may be looking to you to be a mom figure to her as well.
From what you said, it doesn’t sound really dangerous or anything. However, it certainly seems unhealthy. You promised openness and it sounds as if there was a pretty cozy relationship prior to the baby’s birth – she probably feels rejected by you now, also. If you included her in your life previously, you need to keep doing that. Promises were implicit in your behavior, and backing out on them without real justification is not kind. Obviously, should anything escalate into danger, be smart. But otherwise, perhaps you need to have even more compassion for her than you did previously. I suspect that she is pretty alone right now. You cannot be surrogate parents for her, but you can continue to be good people.
Jennifer M | Nov 14, 2009
Yes it is an open adoption, yes it would be ideal if your daughter had her birthmother as a part of her life, but it seems maybe you need to back away from a little while, let the biological get the help she needs.
Yes, she is the biological mother, likely depression, whatever she may be, but for now let it go wait a few months and check on the biological mother then.
PerfectionInMind | Nov 14, 2009
I had a baby 3 months ago. Guess what? I still go crazy sometimes. I can only imagine what I would do if I Lost my baby to adoption. I am guessing she is 19 too. So am I. Its really crappy and dirty of you not to help her through this rough time shes in. You don’t deserve HER baby. You know whats very common in adoption? People like you severing ties because you want to reassure yourself that HER baby is ‘YOURS’. You can;t just move on after having a baby. Have your own damn baby and you would realize that. Shew god.
Linny Said everything else I wanted too, Done.
tiffany<3 | Nov 14, 2009
Let’s start with a basic fact of life that the adoption agency glossed over when they told you how wonderful being adoptive parents was going to be. In order to get ‘M’ to give her baby up, some one had to convince her that that the pain of being separated from HER baby would be bearable. She may very well have played right into the adoption agency’s hand and bought it hook line and sinker, as you probably did as well. Both you and M were acting in very selfish ways; you wanted a baby and she thought she didn’t want one. Research on the level of grieving experienced by relinquishing mothers is on a scale with death of a child. M is hurting, badly. And since you have a somewhat open adoption, she will have a harder time getting closure (another thing the agency didn’t tell either of you. Adoption agencies sell birthmothers on open adoption because it seems like it will be easier.) Although some of M’s behavior _may_ be unusual, the emotions she is experiencing most definitely are not. (I think your view that it is rare is probably based on faulty information as well.)
Although a court has created the legal fiction that you are the child’s parents, it is exactly that, a legal fiction. The adoption decree doesn’t wave a magic wand and dissolve the emotional bond between the child and her mother. Although it would be nice if you could just make M go away and pretend she doesn’t exist, pretend that you gave birth to your daughter; that she is your biological child, the reality is that your adopted daughter has another mother. The truth is that, wittingly or otherwise, you have hurt this woman, and truth to be told, you have probably hurt the child as well. The adoption fairy tale you wanted, and that the agency didn’t dissuade you from, has turned into an ugly reality.
I would suggest that you work with M and allow her, and her mother, to have some contact with her child. But I would recommend that you set and enforce boundaries that are in the best interests of the child. Perhaps you could set a condition that she get some counseling. Not the deal you bought into, but you have to play the hand you’ve been dealt; something about making lemonade from the lemons comes to mind as well. All of you can grow from this experience if you choose to make it a growth experience rather than an unresolvable conflict.
Tad W | Nov 14, 2009
Your child’s mother is dangerous, how? Has she threatened you? Shown up bearing anything OTHER than gifts for her child? Had you followed? Made prank phone calls?
Get over yourself. You’re worried that she will try to take her child back. The first mom isn’t dangerous and you know it.
OK, let’s start at the beginning of your post.
*M isn’t "your birthmother." She is your adopted child’s first mother. She isn’t YOUR anything! She gave birth to the child you are parenting. Learn the correct terminology and stop being so offensive.
*You say she was "playing you off people." In what way(s)? You don’t give information about this. Are you aware that adoption isn’t like Juno in real life? This 19 year old woman carried a child inside her for nine months and then gave it away. There are emotions that go with that and they last for a lifetime. M is obviously having difficulty with her decision to relinquish her child. Can you blame her? I can’t. Not only was she probably treated like a queen by the agency (the same agency that made THOUSANDS of dollars off her) prior to her giving birth, which is coercive in and of itself, but her boyfriend clearly wanted to relinquish the baby as well. For a 19 year old, that’s pretty tough to go against. Saying she was "playing off of you" indicates that you have NO compassion for this girl — the mother of your child — and that you only ‘cared’ about her when she had something to offer you. Now that she is no longer needed by you, you can just dump her like yesterday’s rubbish. Nice.
*YOU let it slide that M had your address. Did you really think that, after surrendering her child to you, she’d just ‘forget’ where you live? I’m surprised you didn’t move to another state. That’s what most adoptive parents in a supposedly ‘open’ adoption do. Makes it much harder for that pesky "birthmother" to find you.
*Mailing/leaving gifts and trying to friend you on Facebook is NOT stalking. Neither is requesting a copy of her daughter’s birth certificate. Deal with it.
*You state, and I quote, "She is grasping at straws to stay in our life, I think. She is fixated on us in what I believe is a very unhealthy way." Uh, I’ve got news for you, toots. M doesn’t give a sh!t about you. It’s her baby she’s interested in! And how is giving gifts and wanting a copy of the baby’s birth certificate ‘unhealthy,’ exactly? Oh, wait. YOU got what YOU wanted. Screw everyone else now, right? Pffft.
*If your daughter truly came first, you would try to work things out with M and keep the adoption open. You are being so cliche here it makes me want to gag. Seriously. Typical entitled-sounding yuppies who promise the moon and then renege. You bought M’s baby and now want her out of your lives because she’s grieving and you feel threatened. Tough doo doo, honey. You promised this girl an open adoption in order to get your hands on her kid and now you don’t want to follow through. That’s just sick. You owe that little girl you’re caring for a hell of a lot more than that. Smarten up and deal with M on a human level. She owes you NOTHING but you owe her a great deal. #1 on that list would be honoring the promise you made to her to have an open adoption. The baby is barely a year old yet and you already want to break that commitment? Lovely. What is your daughter going to think of you when she discovers this one day? (And yes, she WILL find out that you shut her mother out of her life after promising to keep her in it. Trust me.) I hope she walks away from you and NEVER comes back. It would be less than you deserve, but unfortunately for the poor child, she will never be able to get those 18+ years with her mother back.
So to answer your question, NO.
Oh, and FYI, I’m an adoptive parent…
aloha.girl59 | Nov 14, 2009
I’m with Linny – shame on you!
How about communicating authentically with your daughter’s first mother or getting some counseling together rather than doing the most insensitive and cruel thing you could do to both your daughter and her mother.
I think you need to grow up, buck up and be honorable.
Carol c | Nov 14, 2009
You took someone’s daughter – what did you expect? That her mother would just conveniently "fade away"? It think that the agency that you used to procure your daughter did a poor job of preparing you for the realities of adoption. It appears that you fell for the adoption industry myths that "BMs are angels from god" who are honored to give their their children away to "more deserving" people and that adoption is "as if born to".
For me this is the most telling part of your email "I especially mourn what I had hoped would be a beautiful story of love for our daughter. We went from being in what we thought was very close relationship with M to now being fearful of her." You gave her special wining and dining attention to groom her to give her baby to you and now you slammed the door in her face and kicked her to the curb. Why are you surprised that she is hurt and angry?
And this – "She is fixated on us in what I believe is a very unhealthy way." Really, well, weren’t you fixated on her when she was pregnant in a very unhealthy way? Why were you so nice to her then? Wasn’t it just to get her baby?
It was your choice to get involved with her for the mere purpose of getting her baby. Time to put on your big girl panties and deal with the reality of what you WILLINGLY signed up for.
grapesgum | Nov 14, 2009
I understand and completely agree with your decision, and this is coming from the view point of a birth mother who recently went through the adoption experience.
My birth daughter and her family have agreed on a open adoption, we are even going down for Christmas this year and her first birthday in July. I admit, now and again her parents REALLY annoy me, and sometimes I feel like I picked the wrong couple. Then it jumps back to the "she will have a wonderful life" mentality. But, that is normal and I understand that I will be jumping back and forth like that for a while to come. However, one thing everyone who was involved with the adoption agreed upon was that Abigail (my birth daughter) came first. Her well being came before any of our own feelings and opinions. Our involvement in her life will not be based on what I or my boyfriend want, but what -she- wants. If she denies me for a certain amount of time, then I have to deal with that and except it.
I believe that your birth mother has overlooked this factor. It seems as if she just wants the attention. To be honest, I felt the same way she probably does right after I left the hospital. Except I didn’t start stalking the adoptive parents. After we left the hospital I felt so useless, and I had the strongest urge to just feel important again, to feel like those nine months were not wasted. I did start to resent the adoptive family, and I actually felt that they were nicer pre-birth. I am actually almost in the opposite situation that you are in. We all agreed on monthly phone calls, letters, pictures and what not. So far in four months I have had 0 letters, 1 phone call, and random pictures and some text messages. However, I have been keeping my distance and not complaining very much. I have no right to, technically.
But anyway, went into rant mode. I believe you should stop contact with her, and if anything file a restraining order. She has crossed the line of regretful birth mother, now she is stalking and threatening you. What is worse, you have no idea how she will react if she ever drives by while you and the baby happen to be outside. I can understand that you want to help her, being blunt, she gave you the greatest gift in the world. I am glad that you did offer to help her after the birth when she needed it. However, all of you need to move on with your lives, and I am sure you are aware of this. On a random thing..her mom was demanding you give gifts to the birth mom? That seems like she is expecting payment, which, if she wants to pull the "I am going to sue you" bit, you can turn right around and inform her that she is demanding payment for a baby that is no longer legally hers.
So, yea, in a nut shell…cut the strings. For now you need to cut all ties with her until she is stable enough to no longer be a threat to your daughter. Maybe in time she can overcome this insecurity, and then reenter your life. I do have to show some sympathy for her and would suggest sending a few pictures per month to the adoption agency, in which they can pass them to M. I would also continue to acknowledge M in the future whenever your daughter starts asking questions. To those questions I would just recount the good times you and M had, and state that M needs some time alone right now.
Edit: Wow, LinnyG seems to have some major bitterness issues. I AM a birth mother, however, your statement is just down right shameful. You make these woman who adopt children out to be cold heartless witches who would steal a baby from the cradle if they could. You also put to much grace into the hands of a birth mother. I have to play devils advocate and state that no one is the same. There are wonderful birth mothers who did not want to give up their babies, and their are some who said screw it, and threw their baby away. Same for adoptive parents, there is the good and the bad.
For example, I have many friends who have been adopted, as well as someone in the family who has. Two of my friends were adopted by the same woman from different birth mothers, one was born in a hotel and left by her birth mother, and the other was left by her birth mother because she had multiple birth disorders. Are these lies made up by an evil adoption agency? No, not really. My friend "Yaz" tracked down her birth mother and when she asked to meet up with her, her birth mother said "fuck off", over the phone.
So, no, not every birth mother is a poor angel having their baby ripped away from them, and not every adoptive parents is a cold hearted ass buying babies "just because".
This girl IS A THREAT. She didn’t "just have a baby". It has been SIXTEEN MONTHS. Yea, I resented the hell out of the adoptive parents, but I accepted MY decision. These woman out there who whine and moan about how the birth mother is the righteous one..has anyone ever stopped to realize that THEY SIGNED THEIR BABY AWAY. What does that say about them? About me?
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS. No adoption agency can force that pen to your hand and make you sign, and no adoption agency can force you to hand over a baby as you walk in.
That girl is STALKING them. She secretly found out their address, has been driving by watching them, has been leaving random notes, angry notes at their door. Yea, sounds like a stalker.
What I hate the most is that no one contemplates the emotions running through the adoptive parents mind. They cant have a child. They can never carry a baby, never feel the joy of pregnancy.
I remember the third get together with Teresa, the adoptive mom. I caught her watching my belly and she said rather embarrassed, "I’m so sorry..Ive just always wondered what it felt like to carry a little baby." And then she sadly touched my huge belly. This lady had three miscarriages at 20 weeks. Can you imagine the pain and the amount of shame she felt as she probably sat in the bathroom as baby after baby fell out of her womb in a bloody mess?
The inability to carry a child is just as painful as giving one up.
For every person willing to adopt a baby, there is someone willing to give one away.
Yea, I’m a birth mother standing up for adoptive parents.
The Pirate Alien | Nov 14, 2009
To be honest, aside from the lying earlier on, it doesn’t sound like she is a danger to your family. She wants more updates and pictures, and she tries to give her child gifts. She may be threatening to sue because she is hurt and lost – she thought that there would be as much contact after the birth as before it, and there isn’t. You talk about "loving’ her, but you don’t want to have her on your facebook where she can see photos and updates. Its fair for her to feel loss, and for you to walk away instead of trying to get her some help is cold hearted – it says "we have the baby, and we decided we don’t like what you are doing, so we aren’t going to honor the agreement we made with you to get your baby". At best its fraud, at worst its malicious. Its a fear of this that could be making her act so strange. Give her a chance, and try to understand that she is scared and sad. Try to get her to get counciling for her loss and grief, and try to keep her involved in the child’s life. Yes, cover you ass. Make notes of what she says and does (driving by your house, her mother’s demanding emails) keep everything, in case things go bad – but try to keep an open heart for this poor girl. Cutting her out might increase the behavior you don’t like, and it might lead to your child being upset later that you made this choice for everyone based on your discomfort. Cutting ties might be easier for you, but what is easiest is not always what is right.
Pretentia | Nov 14, 2009
I LOVE you Linny G!
Wow, this is puke inducing to read this question as are half the answers related.
I am staggered at the lack of real compassion you have for this girl. You have wrongfully labelled her with BPD. I was given this diagnosis in the first 2 years after I lost my daughter to adoption and it has since been removed as someone FINALLY recognised what I was actually suffering was PTSD and the effects of loss. Gees… it could be she is also going through this and you cannot recognise this.
She probably is very hurt that she was not supported to raise her baby… and I think she just wants to be in her baby’s life because well she is her MOTHER.
She is not some girl you need to sever contact with. This is a situation that requires honesty, integrity and COMPASSION which has been devoid in this question and several answers.
PUT YOURSELF IN HER SHOES just for once, try to read perspectives on what it does to a mother (and her child) when they are separated. Infant adoption is one of the cruellest institutions around and you just cannot seem to get this or the why of this. It is possible this girl felt pushed into adoption through suggestions (and manipulative statements) of others and does not feel the capability to speak up for herself. Most mothers are expected to place their babies, walk away and never be heard of again. It is sick and revolting and this question has shown me yet again why I DETEST adoption and all the people who choose to put another woman and her child through this hell.
ETA: To the BM that chooses to support adopters… you are encouraging a system that is cruel and corrupt and label anyone who says something YOU can’t cope with. SHAME ON YOU for giving away your own flesh and blood. If you can’t handle a child, don’t get pregnant!
myst1998 | Nov 15, 2009
Honestly, you are a little beholden to her, the woman who gave you her child. She did a totally selfless thing. She gave you something that she probably wanted very much, but also knew she couldn’t keep. Why would you not want to welcome this person into your life? What does it hurt to accept gifts, or to send pictures and updates? I could see why you would want a little time to adjust to being a parent to your daughter. But think 19 years into the future, if your daughter were to become pregnant and decided to go through with the adoption process can you imagine for a second how hard it would be for her, how hard it would be for you to lose a grandchild that your own baby carried inside of her for 9 months? Of course she wants to stay in your life. Staying in your life also means staying in her baby’s life.
Think about this most of all: 18 years from now, will you be proud to tell your daughter how you handled things with her birth mother?
Kari N | Nov 15, 2009
hey,
wow, i hope you get to my answer… after reading all those horribly mean ones before mine…
I feel for you, i realy do. What a bad situation to be living with. I’m sorry your family hasn’t turned out as perfect as you where wishing… but never forget that beautifull little girl who’s life you have enhanced. Good for you!!! =)
now…
I have BPD. really. it’s a hard one to get diagnosed and even harder to understand.
From what you have written it does sound to me like it’s what she has. Well, it’s not a disease or anything, just a messed up way of prossecing things and yes… big time abandonment issues are also part of it. Here’s my advice…
I would take a step back. Set limits. Maybe tell her everytime she contacts you is one day longer she will have to wait to hear about "her" kid. I would even go as far as say maybe you should give it a few months, no contact at all. She needs to realize that she IS able to function on her own, that you are not ditching her and that you still love and respect her for what she did for you and that little girl. BPD really sucks when you know you have it but until someone sits her down and really spells it out for her and says look… this behaviour is BPD, this is how YOU do it, but THIS is how the rest of the world does it, and look… it works just as good without the drama and bullcrap attached.
If it’s BPD and she’s in the middle of an intense episode than it is safer and the right decision to take a big step back.
You need to keep focused on your little girl, not on someone elses drama.
a little while ago i would have never said that… i would have pushed to let her see her kid again. I would have been one of those stupid tweens that answer these and think they know the world and think adoption is a sin or something… but what you have done is an incredible act and to have to deal with someone who has BPD on top of that really sucks for you. No one can understand the disorder unless they either have it or are living with someone with it and they sure as hell won’t get how intensly she is feeling things and how incredibly hard it must be on you. Give it time, give it some distance. She’ll calm down and tihngs should get better… there’s still hope.
and just remember, blood will make you a mother but love is what makes a mommy =)
*Dominic*Teslyn*Timothy*Kaia* | Nov 15, 2009
I don’t think it sounds like "your" birthmother is a danger at all, at least from what you describe. It sounds like she is grieving and feels manipulated. You say you all were very close before the birth, and now you seem to expect a lot more distance, and it seems like that is making her feel used, and that is perfectly understandable. Yours and hers are often the feeling that end up happening in pre-birth matching situations. It’s why so many feel it’s not ethical. If for some REAL reason you think she is a physical threat to your daughter, by all means keep your daughter safe and physically away from her. There is absolutely NO reason to stop email and photos – EVER. I agree with Jennifer, it sounds like this is a mother that is finding she wants more openness than she first thought. Maybe that could happen and you could all have the "beautiful" relationship you desire.
Erin L | Nov 15, 2009
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